Recently a friend came to me about her new relationship, she was very confused on why she was having a hard time allowing this man to be in her life. As we talked, she brought up how this man was so different from her ex husband. She kept bringing her ex husband up during the conversation, finally I stopped her and asked what had taken place in her relationship with her ex husband. She begin to tell, how over the years he had been negative with her and how she knew he had been having off and on affairs, yet she had stayed in this marriage. Until one day she met a man who filled that void she felt in her marriage. She ended up having an affair with him and in time she left her husband. It wasn't long after that this new found relationship ended, finding that this man hadn't been upfront with her. After a while of being alone, entered another new man, totally different in all aspects but yet she found herself putting walls up with him. She knew he was sincere with the love he had for her yet she just couldn't bring down those walls. Finally, she asked, "Deb what's wrong with me." I asked her had she spoken with her ex husband since all of this had happened, she stated that things were tense between them and they only talked when it came to their children, and even that was awkward and was stressful.

One of the things I shared with her, was the importance of going to her ex-husband and offering her forgiveness for what he had done, and thus in return she too should ask his forgiveness in her own actions. After all was said and done, she should forgive herself, regardless of the outcome between the two of them. Several things had transpired over time between these two. My friend had been very hurt, disappointed and frustrated in her relationship with her ex husband, feeling at times she deserved this treatment and was truly unworthy of someone loving her. When the opportunity came, she found someone else "filled this void" in her life. She felt some what justified in going into this relationship with this other man, cause hadn't her husband cheated on her.

Part of the process of living a holistic life, is that healing that comes from learning to "forgive" those who have hurt us, and forgiving ourselves for the hurt and pain we cause. It's important one realizes that forgiving isn't forgetting, as this is a two fold process. First it is making that choice, note "to forgive" is a choice based on your free will, you choose to forgive!! The forgetting is another process, as this process deals with our feelings. It takes time to resolve those negative feelings. Its only normal to have these negative feelings from being hurt, yet in order to forget we have to accept and face what these feelings are about. We have to confront those "unforgiving feelings" with honesty and work through them. Otherwise, those negative feelings will begin to control your life, effecting not only your well being but those who come into your life.

Its important that one realizes, that this process doesn't mean that one isn't responsible for their actions or the consequences, we all have that accountability. When we offer forgiveness, it doesn't place the blame or imply malice. It's that reaching out and inviting those back into our life. Its also excepting that the relationship may not go back to what it was before. Keeping in mind, as it takes time for us to deal with our own feelings of hurt, we have to allow those we have hurt , that time to deal with those feelings and to heal themselves. There may be some hurts we may never forget, even though in time those open wounds can become scars.

When we choose to forgive someone, we have to offer that forgiveness unconditionally. I had a friend tell me, "Deb I asked Joe for forgiveness and he stated he never would." Throughout history we have seen families and nations suffer because of this "choice" of being unable to forgive. This act of forgiveness flows out of our inner attitudes that touch all of life and not just those in need of forgiving. Of all the choices we make in life, refusing to forgive or ask forgiveness may destroy more of life than any other single choice we make.

As we begin to see the importance of this most important "act of forgiveness" we slowly begin to see those walls that we have placed in our lives. It is as though by removing that one wall we see other obstacles being removed, sometimes ones that we aren't even aware of. Through this process we learn of that bond which allows us to be more accepting of the differences that can separate us. As we begin the process of healing mentally, emotionally and spiritually we then can go on to live life more fully to ourselves and to others.

In forgiving ourselves, we open the door to let go of that guilt, those negative feelings, and learning not to stay in self-pity but to become accountable and face the changes we need to make in our lives, so we don't repeat that pattern. We find when we don't take that time to forgive ourselves, we begin to condemn ourselves and end up feeling worthless. We continue on through life with this self-pity and self-punishment that we find ourselves in one continual spiraling event of failures. We find many of those emotional conflicts we go through all come back to this act of "self-forgiving", then dealing with those feelings to heal. When we begin to see our responsibilities in our actions that have hurt other, it is then we begin to see the changes we need to make in our life. It is then the healing begins leading us to live a full and loving life, and letting go of that which held us hostage.

Take this time, to look at your life and see where it is that forgiveness is needed. Look at those areas that you walk in your relationships with the negativity of past hurts and pains. Let today, be the day, that you make that choice "to forgive" to move on, looking at those feelings and dealing with them, and learning to let them go. Breaking that pattern, that has prevented you from having a healthy and full life with yourself, those in your lives and in your own spirituality.

Namaste,
Debra

"Published in Planet Starz Mystic Living Today Ezine, June 2000 Edition"