What does it mean to
give? To give one's heart, to give a gift, or a helping hand, or
a
pleasant glance? In defining giving, we see that it is a act of
self-giving, an act of love. We begin to see how giving is an important
part of relating to others. When we are able to give, we express who we
are, what we think, how we feel. Its important to realize that giving is
an act of choice, of one's decision.
Some of us grew up thinking to
give of ourselves that you had to have positive feelings, that when we
gave we should have these warm feelings and to give graciously and
willingly. If we didn't have those warm, tingling feelings when we gave
than it meant we weren't giving from the heart. Its been in that line of
thinking we have run into the problem of what it means to give. When one
choices to give there can be warm feelings or no feelings at all or even
negative feelings. With or without feelings, the giving is still a valid
and positive act.
One of the areas I saw this truly
illustrated was in my relationship with my daughter. My daughter,
Stephanie loves to go shopping, she could spend hours going in one store
and out into another, and then back again. This was something I didn't
share a interest in with her, in fact my idea of shopping was going only
when you had to have a certain item, a shopper who liked to browse I
wasn't. In fact, I am one I rather face a firing squad then to go and
browse through stores, to me it had to be less painful. Stephanie had
asked me to go with her shopping one day, I agreed to go with her, I had
stated to her "I will do this for you, even though it isn't
something I enjoy." Several things happened on this, Stephanie was
upset with me because I didn't share her feelings about shopping, and I
had to examine my own feelings of why I felt guilty in not sharing her
feelings in doing this. I begin to see for myself, that the act of
giving to my daughter was agreeing to share with her in something she
loved to do, it wasn't that I had to enjoy shopping and share her
feelings of shopping. The gift of giving was agreeing to go share with
her, in something my daughter found enjoyment.
Warm feelings certainly make the
act of giving emotionally satisfying, but when those feelings aren't
there, or even if you have negative feelings, that gift of giving is
still a genuine act and is still important. Our feelings shouldn't
govern our self-giving, as they can be inconsistent and not always
something we have control of. If our commitments to others was only
based and subject to our feelings we would find that those commitments
wouldn't last due to the fact our feelings change. Even though we might
be hesitant in giving, if we act genuinely and freely and lovingly,
harboring no resentment, feelings of pressure or bitterness, we begin to
find that sense of satisfaction and peace in learning the genuine art of
self-giving.
Some will say, isn't this giving
in...and not give? Giving in has a different meaning one that is
negative, it bears resentment, hostile resistance and being forced to do
something we are unwilling to do. Sometimes we act out of fear
"What will happen if I don't do this?" or that pressure we
feel from someone else or even the pressure we put up yourself. Let me
see if I can show you the difference, of giving and giving in with the
incident with my daughter. Several occasions my daughter would ask me to
go shopping and I would end up taking her, after many exchanges of words
between us, her pressuring me and me resenting the fact her asking me to
do something I didn't enjoy...basically I caved into her demand, or
"gave in".
Earlier we had spoke of spending
time together, and she chose to spend it shopping. The difference was I
wanted to share time with my daughter, and the way she wanted to do
this, was in shopping. I chose to spend the time with her, the gift of
spending time in something she enjoyed, not that I was to have to enjoy
the same feelings she derived from shopping, but in the fact of enjoying
the time of being together, see the difference?
It is important to recognize the
difference the difference of giving and giving in so we can keep clear
the nature of our close relation- ships clear in our minds. Realizing
that others can't recognize how we really think and feel. That if we
don't share the same feelings/ willingness when we give that it not be
interpreted as implying negative resentment in being the giver, while a
smiling "yes" might mask an underlying hostility and
resentment. You see this occur in marriages/family/close relationships
communications where one are not open and honest, leading to troubled
relationships. Giving in has sabotaged many relationships, that intimacy
that then goes into a false, superficial closeness. We have seen couples
whom seen close never disagreeing or arguing, while the whole time the
spouses never indicated how they felt nor able to convert giving
"in" into "giving." A good example of this, is of a
child who never gives his parents any trouble and later in life grows
into a smiling, conforming teenager. Then, out of the blue, the child
explodes and engages in rebellious behavior. No one enjoys living with a
mouthy teenager as it presents a hardship, but its important to see that
this child is thinking/feeling and expressing. Its important that we
don't hide behind a deep need to be accepted at the price of conforming
and pleasing at any cost.
Giving in, in the long run sooner
or later creates emotional conflicts within the individual and
eventually sabotages the relationships. Its important then we learn to
transform giving in to giving. Sometimes we have a pattern of giving in
which has become as natural as breathing. It will require a conscious
effort on our part to know what is going on within at all times, being
in touch with our inner self as much as possible, to break this pattern.
Dealing with our hidden mechanisms of giving in is part of our emotional
and spiritual growth, When we learn how to distinguish between giving in
and giving we learn what type of person we become in the type of
relationships we form. If we stay in that cycle or mode of thinking, we
give only when we are moved to by "good" feelings, we see how
erratic and inconsistent this becomes, our behavior, based solely on
feelings, being immature and even childish. A prime example of this, I
was having a discussion with a woman, who stated that she would never
give her love again due to past hurt in relationships. She went on to
share, in order for her to take that "risk" and to give again,
certain conditions would have to be met. Several issues were going on
here, but in speaking further with her, she begin to share how in her
previous relationships that she was the giver in the relationship,
always the one trying to conform to what the other person wanted. Over
time, she felt such resentment and hurt. I asked her if she had ever
shared with these others her feelings about being the giver, she
replied," No, I wanted them to accept me, and if I had shared how I
really felt I was worried they wouldn't love me." See the pattern
here? Was she giving or giving in?
Hopefully, through this article
you will see the significant of learning the difference of giving and
giving in, and begin that journey in learning the true art of giving.
Learning to live with realistic expectations, giving you that ability to
help form and control your own destiny within yourself, your
relationships and your spirituality.
